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| Diane, Self-Defense & Sex Ed, 2018 NWMAF Special Training |
“Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a best-selling author on trauma
whose research has attracted a worldwide following, has been fired from his job
over allegations that he bullied and denigrated employees at his renowned Trauma
Center.” Liz Kowalczyk, Boston Globe: March
7, 2018.
Reflection
on this news from Empowerment Self-Defense Instructor Diane Long:
My studies
with Bessel van der Kolk
I have studied with van der Kolk 3 times in
person, once for a two-day workshop in the Twin Cities – Minneapolis-Saint
Paul, once at an international conference and once in a 7-day intensive at
Kripalu Yoga Center called "Recovering the Body's Natural Rhythms through
Yoga and Play.” One of the reasons I chose Kripalu as a venue to study with him
was that I thought the combination with yoga would help to offset his somewhat
surly and reactive personal demeanor.
Gap between his written contributions to trauma and his teaching style
Gap between his written contributions to trauma and his teaching style
Even though van der Kolk has done a tremendous
amount to increase the credibility of alternative approaches to treating trauma
(e.g. Yoga, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing), I have thought of him as one of the
least trauma-informed instructors I have worked with, in terms of his actual
teaching. He was extremely chauvinistic - one of these guys that kind of makes
you wrong whenever you ask a question. He reminded me of my father - absolutely
brilliant, but socially prickly, insensitive, even hostile, especially if
challenged in any way. He also clearly treated female assistants with less
respect than the male ones. Sometimes it was subtle, but palpable.
One of my big issues at the Kripalu intensive was that he did not give any formal breaks during our training. So, if you wanted to pee, you would consistently have to miss a part of the presentation. It was oddly ironic for him to be teaching about trauma and reconnecting to body rhythms and yet fail to respect the body’s most basic biological needs. I pointed this out to him.
One of my big issues at the Kripalu intensive was that he did not give any formal breaks during our training. So, if you wanted to pee, you would consistently have to miss a part of the presentation. It was oddly ironic for him to be teaching about trauma and reconnecting to body rhythms and yet fail to respect the body’s most basic biological needs. I pointed this out to him.
Once, during a Power Point, he showed a piece of artwork by a child who had experienced severe abuse. The line drawing was graphic in nature, with phalluses aggressively dominating the screen. The use of the image served his point and it was valid for what he was talking about in terms of art therapy and common themes. However, he left the image on the screen (not deliberately, but unconsciously) while he moved on to talk about something else more positive in nature. I was pretty triggered and distracted as were many others I am sure, and it was hard to focus on what he was saying. At a lunch break, I pointed this oversight out to him (gently) and his response was something like, “Most of these people are therapists. It is good for them to be uncomfortable.” It was a classic defense pattern – a dismissive denial of any personal accountability, justification, and projection of blame. It was also sadly revelatory about his personal history. Even though he could acknowledge how some of his own trauma impacted his behavior, he could not integrate any critical feedback.
Experiences
with Other Experts
I have worked with several other well-known men in the field who have this same pattern. Many years ago, I attended a training where an audience member asked a presenter not to tell the graphic story of a young boy’s death which she knew from his book. He suggested she “cover her ears,” and mimicked the action of covering his ears in a kind of infantilizing tone, and then launched into the story. A few years ago, I was asked not to return to an Advanced SE training where I was an assistant because I expressed anger and disappointment (though it was behind the scenes) when an instructor was unwilling to address concerns about the physical comfort of participants and questions about a lack of racial diversity in training. He was dismissive and not open to feedback in ways that were similar to van der Kolk. His dismissive nature was known, even expected and rationalized by those around him, and yet he is currently one of the most senior trainers in this particular modality for treating trauma.
I have worked with several other well-known men in the field who have this same pattern. Many years ago, I attended a training where an audience member asked a presenter not to tell the graphic story of a young boy’s death which she knew from his book. He suggested she “cover her ears,” and mimicked the action of covering his ears in a kind of infantilizing tone, and then launched into the story. A few years ago, I was asked not to return to an Advanced SE training where I was an assistant because I expressed anger and disappointment (though it was behind the scenes) when an instructor was unwilling to address concerns about the physical comfort of participants and questions about a lack of racial diversity in training. He was dismissive and not open to feedback in ways that were similar to van der Kolk. His dismissive nature was known, even expected and rationalized by those around him, and yet he is currently one of the most senior trainers in this particular modality for treating trauma.
What Happens When You Don’t Deal with Your Own Trauma
I wish I understood this piece of developmental
trauma more so I could better respond when I am confronted with it. At van der
Kolk’s intensive training, I questioned/challenged him about a few things like
the ones I mentioned above. Women kept thanking me in the bathroom for speaking
up. This seems to happen wherever I go. I speak up or ask for clarification
with male authority figures (thanks largely to the confidence and skills I have
gained through ESD) and women thank me in the bathroom. Again, this was
familiar to me in terms of family dynamics. I was the one who was sent to ask
my Dad for things like money, time or attention because he would tend to be
less volatile with me. So, even though people with these patterns come off like
real assholes, and it can feel uncomfortable, even unsafe to be around them, I
have compassion for them, wondering what kind of childhood trauma contributed
to these behaviors. I loved a man who was like this. Many of us probably did if
we had fathers in our lives. It is so ironic and sad that some of the men in
the field who have been the most visible in advocating and promoting effective
trauma treatment have often not dealt with their own traumas, which then get
reproduced within families, within education and in the workplace.
Compassion, Accountability and Healing
Compassion, Accountability and Healing
Please don’t think that my compassion in any
way excuses this type of behavior. Aggressive, demeaning behaviors should not
ever be tolerated. At the same time, rejecting the people who exhibit these
behaviors is tantamount to rejecting the shadow parts of our selves. These
behaviors are rooted in deep, deep insecurity, experiences of childhood abuse
and neglect and a lack of emotional resilience and empathy. These beliefs and
behaviors are all defenses designed to protect against wounds that call
desperately to be healed. We are all impacted. I feel urgency in finding ways
to interrupt these cycles. I yearn for restorative models.
I have less and less patience for male
"gurus" (or authority figures of any gender for that matter), who use
power and privilege in ways that belittle people or perpetuate and reinforce
authoritarian hierarchies or refuse to look at the effects of their own
behavior. Being queer/genderqueer definitely helps me have some distance and
perspective because I am not so directly invested in heteronormativity, which
often includes justifying and rationalizing men’s bad behavior and emotional
care-taking. At the same time, I have more compassion, almost strategically,
because abusive behavior is so widespread.
Toxic Masculinity and Disdain for Vulnerability
Toxic Masculinity and Disdain for Vulnerability
I feel the effects of this kind of toxic
masculinity, even in feminist martial arts community where there is sometimes a
“no pain, no gain” attitude, where having needs, particularly emotional needs -
for safety, comfort and belonging, - go unacknowledged, or are seen as a sign
of weakness, and where injury, illness or disability are seen as being “less
than” or burdensome. Sometimes, questioning a teacher’s beliefs or actions
(directly or indirectly) is perceived as a threat to existing authority.
Passivity, feeling helpless, or “being a victim” is still often judged, seen as
shameful, and so we distance ourselves from the “the victim role.” This disdain
for vulnerability can come through in our language and attitudes, sometimes
unconsciously. It often manifests as a lack of compassionate holding for our
own fears and feelings of inadequacy. These beliefs and behaviors affect the
collective field. None of us is immune from the oppressive effects of emotional
neglect. We are all wading through the same toxic sludge.
I started a long letter to Bessel van der Kolk
that I never finished and never sent. I actually wrote letters to all of these
men that I never sent. I think it is time to start writing again…
Diane Long
Empowerment Self-Defense Instructor,
Somatic Therapist
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Diane's comments were first published on the ESD Action Group Facebook Page.
Diane's comments were first published on the ESD Action Group Facebook Page.
Afterword:
I wrote this piece 4 months ago, just after news of van der
Kolk’s firing, feeling validated and emboldened. I was still healing from the
effects of being excluded from another trauma training for speaking up about a
teacher’s dismissive behavior. I was still carrying a lot of shame. Even though
I didn’t do anything wrong, I still blamed myself until a few weeks ago,
thinking that if only I had managed my anger differently, if only I had asked
for help, etc., things would have been different. I feel much more
vulnerability when advocating for myself than when I am advocating for others. When I am harmed or injured or ill, my “go to” place
is still the belief that I have done something wrong, that I am somehow
to blame. This is one of the ways that victim-blaming is still at work in my
life. When these kinds of things happen, it erodes my self-confidence. Blaming
myself, though painful, is self-protective. It is easier to manage than the
helplessness I feel around abuses of power. I tend to withdraw and it takes a
while to recover.
I
believe neglect has a similar dynamic. Neglect is a way to distance ourselves
from pain but we also distance ourselves from ourselves. This erodes our
ability to empathize. I am glad that more people are speaking out about these
issues so that we can begin to heal.
