Recently I went to Paris for a quick vacation. My partner could not go on this trip and, as
I love to discover new countries and places on my own, I took off for a week in
Paris.
Hotel
My hotel had a security policy where room keys were dropped
off upon leaving and picked up when returning.
When I returned around 11pm one night, I stopped by the front desk to
pick up my key and to ask about getting more creamer for my coffee. I also wanted to ask a question about a sign
posted in the elevator which stated the water would be turned off for 3 hours
the following day which is fairly significant for a hotel, but the exact time was
unclear.
Last Time I Checked,
Elevators are Not Invitations for Non-Consensual Activity
The front desk man started talking to me in an overly
familiar way, calling me “Princess” and then asking for my name. He gave me the creamer and when I asked about
the sign in the elevator, he said he needed to look at it. I kept an eye on him as I was already in the
elevator.
He leaned in to read the sign and told me something that made
no sense regarding the timing of the water issue. I thanked him for his help and as I was
preparing to go on my way, he attempted to lean in to kiss me. It was a rather disgusting attempt, and
awkward and bizarre. It was also the one
place in the hotel where no one could see and was an incredibly confined space. I quickly turned away, told him this was not a
cool move, and eventually had to put my hand on his chest to push him
away.
In the almost ten years since I graduated from IMPACT’s Core,
I have not once had to use more than my voice, but given the proximity as well
as his audacity, I had to move him back physically as well. After moving him out of my proximity, he then
backed out of the elevator and I went upstairs to my room, knowing that after
picking up my key, he knew the room I was in and he knew I was staying there
unaccompanied.
Afterward
After arriving back inside of my hotel room, I stood in the
middle of the floor stunned by what had just transpired. I could not believe the pathetic gall. I refused to go to bed afraid and I was
unfathomably angry. A person should be
able to ask for some goddamned creamer for coffee as well as when the hotel
will be out of water without the night attendant attempting to take advantage
of no one being around. So I went back downstairs
to the lobby and confronted him. I strongly
told him that that was not okay, to never do that to me or anyone else again or
I would report him.
I remembered in IMPACT the concept of the final step of
“911” (now “walk to safety but with the same meaning to reach out for support). I reached out on Skype to my partner, but I
also knew I could reach out to my IMPACT sisters for support if I felt the
need. I knew those in The Circle would
support me, yell with me, and listen to how it also hurt my feelings. And recognize that we are courageous to be the
agents of change.
His Consequence
After considering the incident, the fact that he was so
brazen, he had likely done this many times, and how horrifying to have anyone let alone the hotel night attendant
behave like this, I decided to file a report with the hotel manager.
Important Thoughts to
Note when Responding to a Report
The following is a reflection that I would like to emphasize
after deciding to report: the concept of fear, particularly social fear and the
stigma that keeps this cycle thriving. I
was not afraid of retribution of the night attendant. I was also not afraid of
retribution by the hotel.
I was afraid that I
would be blamed.
And to me that was the scariest part of opening my mouth to
say what happened. This concept of
blaming women for the misbehavior of men can render a wounding so deep, the
fear of it can be almost equally painful (sometimes even more so) as the
incident.
Several scenarios ran through my mind of responses I had
heard prior when sexual harassment or other attempts had been made on me or
others:
1)
Laughing. If you are a woman, you know what this
means. You report, and you get a guffaw
of “boys will be boys and this is funny” response. The message is not only permissive (even
encouraging) of this behavior, but also blames
women for taking themselves and their personal rights, dignity, and desires
seriously.
2)
The, Let’s Evaluate How Pretty You Are response
usually summarized by insinuations of “How could he help himself?” almost as
though that is a compliment. How could he help himself literally
means that “you are so lovely, you attract assholes and non-consensual advances
and should feel special for this.”
3)
The, He’s a Young Lad and You Expect Too Much
response. Because apparently, respect
takes education, age, and genius.
4)
The, What Were You Wearing response. Sigh.
5)
The, What Time of Night Was It response. Because apparently Werewolves appear at night
and any woman out past curfew is just asking for trouble.
6)
The, It Was Probably Cultural response. Because other cultures are supposedly
less-than in cultivating human respect and consent.
7)
The, Why Are You Traveling without a Man
response.
8)
The, There Must Have Been a Misunderstanding
response. Yes.
Invading my space with your lips can be confusing.
9)
The, Is There Anything in your Background that
would Cause You to Hallucinate response.
Hopefully I can claim that if I punch you.
10) The, Did You Give Him Some
Sort of Signal response. Hm. Apparently he has a problem around vaginas. Can a vagina signal?
11)The, No One Has Ever
Mentioned this about Him Other than You response. I wonder why that is…?
Disbelief.
Blame. Excuses. Isolation.
Talking about you and not
about him. Expecting more from women than from men
in terms of sexual and basic respect.
Think about it—the majority
of women you know have all experienced this to some degree in response to what
they deal with on any given day from men.
None of these ridiculous interrogations are foreign to us when we open
our mouths about the perpetrations of men.
And the consequences for these responses in our society are deadly, permissive, and keep the cycle
running smoothly. It cannot be
emphasized enough that if someone tells you they have suffered sexual
misconduct, violence, gender discrimination:
believe them, get involved, don’t
be a useless bystander, ask the women in your life questions regarding your own
beliefs and behavior. Be part of the
solution. Call to account yourself,
strangers, friends. Use your voice. Get on the right side: the oppressed, the abused, the violated, the
hunted.
Response
The power of response became apparent to me in a different
way as I walked to the report the following morning to open my mouth and tell
the two at the front desk what had happened the evening prior. I was so afraid of being laughed at and
blamed as can be the usual response nine times out of ten. But they took it seriously, they talked to
the manager, the manager asked me to file a hard-copy report, and apologized
for it. Other responses were not
entirely what I would have liked or were the most helpful, but it amazed me how
these basic first steps made me feel better about the situation. I felt a little less alone.
If terrible responses can hurt, silence, and continue the
cycle, positive ones can push for healing and for change. And this is how we begin. We listen, we believe, we take things
seriously, we refuse to die, and
no matter the setting, the culture, the onlookers, the judgment or the embarrassment,
we stand for ourselves and for one another—knowing that even as we are alone in
an elevator with a perpetrator—we are not really alone on or off this mat. We stay on one another’s line.
Peacefully,
Sarah E. Grove
IMPACT Chicago Core Graduate 2007
