Monday, October 17, 2016

Developing Skills to Meet Courageous Disclosures

Our next challenge, now that there is so much truth-telling, is developing the skills to meet these courageous disclosures.
We know a tremendous amount about trauma and healing now. But -- and I say this as a social worker -- we cede this knowledge to professional clinical spaces. We think that people who have been hurt can be helped in the magical therapeutic treatment space, and polite social discourse can remain untroubled by this ugliness.
I say this as someone whose life has been absolutely transformed by what I have found in the magical therapeutic treatment space.
But if recent events tell us nothing else, they tell us that the general discourse cannot be shielded from interpersonal and sexual trauma.
This is why we have to learn skills of empathy: The ability to be present to someone else's strong emotion. The willingness to be awkward when we're not sure what words are right. And, the right words:
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I believe you.
You didn't deserve that.
That wasn't your fault.
I'm glad you told me.
Lynne Marie Wanamaker, Facebook post, October 15, 2016

Monday, October 10, 2016

Making Out Like a Virgin: Sex, Desire, & Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

Contact Tavia Gilbert, Publisher

Sex, Desire & Intimacy
After Sexual Trauma

Edited by Catriona McHardy and Cathy Plourde


According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):
  • Every 2 minutes an American is sexually assaulted.
  • 1 out of every 6 women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.
  • Ages 12-34 are the highest risk years for rape and sexual assault.
  • 90% of all rape victims are female.
  • Approximately 70% of rape and sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.

There are many helpful resources available to victims of sexual trauma, but there is little information about how to move beyond mere survival. Animal Mineral Press—a new publishing company that focuses on books promoting healthy aspects of sex, sexuality and relationships—hopes to change that with the release of premiere title, MAKING OUT LIKE A VIRGIN: Sex, Desire & Intimacy After Sexual Trauma (Portlyn Media Trade Paperback Original; October 18, 2016; $16.99). In this new book, editors Catronia McHardy and Cathy Plourde provide an inspiring, moving collection of personal nonfiction essays that detail how writers from around the world have moved beyond mere survival of sexual trauma to unapologetically discover sexually and emotionally thriving lives.

The survivors in this bold, new book do not recount their individual traumas. Instead, they do something much more profound; they reveal how they reclaimed their bodies and their sexual desires. By telling their stories, these writers share their strength and successes found somewhere between the big shifts and small intimate moments, inspiring others while furthering their own healing.

The title MAKING OUT LIKE A VIRGIN reflects the idea of a rich and full life after trauma—something that can be difficult to imagine while busy surviving. Reclaiming life after trauma means relearning to think about sexuality in positive ways, exploring, affirming, and safe. The editors looked for contributors who could explore their sexuality as exciting and lustful, with desire and intimacy that was open and mutual. These narratives are an invitation for survivors who have been wounded to come back, try it again, love your body, and to say it is possible to get back to that place.

The anthology features contributions from 17 people: women, men, and transgender; ranging in age from their mid 20s to their late 60s; hailing from 6 countries including the United States, Canada, Australia, Ireland, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates.

The voices in this book are a start. None of the writers offer up the usual magazine headlines or “ten secrets” or “best tips” or “quick results” because there aren’t any. There are common threads that unite them as people who have retrieved and embraced feelings for lustful sex, desire, and intimacy. Each of them challenges the notion that survivors of sexual violence are not "supposed" to be sexual beings; they decline to be shamed or pitied, refuse to retreat as damaged. Instead, they define what is expected and accepted for victims and survivors after trauma on their own terms.

Edited and introduced by Catriona McHardy and Cathy Plourde with a foreword by Sue William Silverman, author of LOVE SICK: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction. Paperback, audio and eBook formats will release simultaneously. Tavia Gilbert, the award-winning narrator and Co-Publisher of Animal Mineral Press, will perform the audiobook edition of the book.

MAKING OUT LIKE A VIRGIN is the book that everyone who has been directly been affected by sexual violence--survivors, their loved ones, practitioners in the field, educators, and social scientists alike--will reach for when they want to hear from those who have found a way out from under labels and limitations.

To receive a review copy, arrange an interview, or obtain additional information, please contact Tavia Gilbert:, 207-558-1708.

Portlyn Media is an imprint Animal Mineral Press – a new publishing company that covers different aspects of sex, sexuality, and relationships, including non-fiction, faith-based romance, erotica, and other fiction for youth, new adults, and adults.

MAKING OUT LIKE A VIRGIN: Sex, Desire & Intimacy After Sexual Trauma
Portlyn Media Trade Paperback Original; October 18, 2016
(Memoir/Sexual Abuse/Recovery, ISBN# 978-1-944568-00-9, 186, $16.99)
Portlyn Media Ebook, October 18, 2016, ISBN# 978-1-944568-01-6

Portlyn Media AudioBook, October 18, 2016

Monday, October 3, 2016

Suited Instructor Bruce Brio Retires

Dear IMPACT Chicago Self Defense Community,     

This letter serves as notice to the IMPACT Self Defense Community that I have retired as a suited instructor. It has been such a pleasure working with all of you over the last twelve years, but after many years of using my body to help teach self-defense, I’ve decided that I would like to parlay my acquired skills into a new position within the organization that is less physical.

I can whole heartedly say, my journey has been a transformative one. It has educated and inspired me in unimaginable ways. One of the highlights of my teaching experience has been watching you make the empowering transformation in the class from day one, to day three or four. I sincerely hope I am replaced with an instructor who will not only give all of him or herself to the craft, but also receive as much knowledge and growth as I have, working with the great staff and students over many years.

Although my new role has not yet been identified, I look forward to serving you in that new capacity once it is determined.

I thank you all for the opportunity to work for IMPACT Chicago Self-Defense. I wish each and every one of you much success, and I look forward to working with you in a new capacity within Impact Chicago.

Sincerely Yours
Bruce Brio

Monday, September 26, 2016

Paris: Standing for Ourselves and for One Another

Recently I went to Paris for a quick vacation.  My partner could not go on this trip and, as I love to discover new countries and places on my own, I took off for a week in Paris.

My hotel had a security policy where room keys were dropped off upon leaving and picked up when returning.  When I returned around 11pm one night, I stopped by the front desk to pick up my key and to ask about getting more creamer for my coffee.  I also wanted to ask a question about a sign posted in the elevator which stated the water would be turned off for 3 hours the following day which is fairly significant for a hotel, but the exact time was unclear.

Last Time I Checked, Elevators are Not Invitations for Non-Consensual Activity
The front desk man started talking to me in an overly familiar way, calling me “Princess” and then asking for my name.  He gave me the creamer and when I asked about the sign in the elevator, he said he needed to look at it.  I kept an eye on him as I was already in the elevator.

He leaned in to read the sign and told me something that made no sense regarding the timing of the water issue.  I thanked him for his help and as I was preparing to go on my way, he attempted to lean in to kiss me.  It was a rather disgusting attempt, and awkward and bizarre.  It was also the one place in the hotel where no one could see and was an incredibly confined space.  I quickly turned away, told him this was not a cool move, and eventually had to put my hand on his chest to push him away. 

In the almost ten years since I graduated from IMPACT’s Core, I have not once had to use more than my voice, but given the proximity as well as his audacity, I had to move him back physically as well.  After moving him out of my proximity, he then backed out of the elevator and I went upstairs to my room, knowing that after picking up my key, he knew the room I was in and he knew I was staying there unaccompanied. 

After arriving back inside of my hotel room, I stood in the middle of the floor stunned by what had just transpired.  I could not believe the pathetic gall.  I refused to go to bed afraid and I was unfathomably angry.  A person should be able to ask for some goddamned creamer for coffee as well as when the hotel will be out of water without the night attendant attempting to take advantage of no one being around.  So I went back downstairs to the lobby and confronted him.  I strongly told him that that was not okay, to never do that to me or anyone else again or I would report him. 

I remembered in IMPACT the concept of the final step of “911” (now “walk to safety but with the same meaning to reach out for support).  I reached out on Skype to my partner, but I also knew I could reach out to my IMPACT sisters for support if I felt the need.  I knew those in The Circle would support me, yell with me, and listen to how it also hurt my feelings.  And recognize that we are courageous to be the agents of change.

His Consequence
After considering the incident, the fact that he was so brazen, he had likely done this many times, and how horrifying to have anyone let alone the hotel night attendant behave like this, I decided to file a report with the hotel manager. 

Important Thoughts to Note when Responding to a Report
The following is a reflection that I would like to emphasize after deciding to report: the concept of fear, particularly social fear and the stigma that keeps this cycle thriving.  I was not afraid of retribution of the night attendant. I was also not afraid of retribution by the hotel. 

I was afraid that I would be blamed. 

And to me that was the scariest part of opening my mouth to say what happened.  This concept of blaming women for the misbehavior of men can render a wounding so deep, the fear of it can be almost equally painful (sometimes even more so) as the incident. 

Several scenarios ran through my mind of responses I had heard prior when sexual harassment or other attempts had been made on me or others: 

1)     Laughing. If you are a woman, you know what this means.  You report, and you get a guffaw of “boys will be boys and this is funny” response.  The message is not only permissive (even encouraging) of this behavior, but also blames women for taking themselves and their personal rights, dignity, and desires seriously.

2)     The, Let’s Evaluate How Pretty You Are response usually summarized by insinuations of “How could he help himself?” almost as though that is a compliment.  How could he help himself literally means that “you are so lovely, you attract assholes and non-consensual advances and should feel special for this.”

3)     The, He’s a Young Lad and You Expect Too Much response.  Because apparently, respect takes education, age, and genius.

4)     The, What Were You Wearing response.   Sigh.

5)     The, What Time of Night Was It response.  Because apparently Werewolves appear at night and any woman out past curfew is just asking for trouble. 

6)     The, It Was Probably Cultural response.  Because other cultures are supposedly less-than in cultivating human respect and consent.

7)     The, Why Are You Traveling without a Man response. 

8)     The, There Must Have Been a Misunderstanding response.   Yes.  Invading my space with your lips can be confusing. 

9)     The, Is There Anything in your Background that would Cause You to Hallucinate response.  Hopefully I can claim that if I punch you.

10) The, Did You Give Him Some Sort of Signal response.  Hm.  Apparently he has a problem around vaginas.  Can a vagina signal?

11)The, No One Has Ever Mentioned this about Him Other than You response.  I wonder why that is…?

Disbelief.  Blame.  Excuses.  Isolation.  Talking about you and not about him.  Expecting more from women than from men in terms of sexual and basic respect. 

Think about it—the majority of women you know have all experienced this to some degree in response to what they deal with on any given day from men.  None of these ridiculous interrogations are foreign to us when we open our mouths about the perpetrations of men.    

And the consequences for these responses in our society are deadly, permissive, and keep the cycle running smoothly.  It cannot be emphasized enough that if someone tells you they have suffered sexual misconduct, violence, gender discrimination:  believe them, get involved, don’t be a useless bystander, ask the women in your life questions regarding your own beliefs and behavior.  Be part of the solution.  Call to account yourself, strangers, friends.  Use your voice.  Get on the right side:  the oppressed, the abused, the violated, the hunted. 

The power of response became apparent to me in a different way as I walked to the report the following morning to open my mouth and tell the two at the front desk what had happened the evening prior.  I was so afraid of being laughed at and blamed as can be the usual response nine times out of ten.  But they took it seriously, they talked to the manager, the manager asked me to file a hard-copy report, and apologized for it.  Other responses were not entirely what I would have liked or were the most helpful, but it amazed me how these basic first steps made me feel better about the situation.  I felt a little less alone. 

If terrible responses can hurt, silence, and continue the cycle, positive ones can push for healing and for change.  And this is how we begin.  We listen, we believe, we take things seriously, we refuse to die, and no matter the setting, the culture, the onlookers, the judgment or the embarrassment, we stand for ourselves and for one another—knowing that even as we are alone in an elevator with a perpetrator—we are not really alone on or off this mat.  We stay on one another’s line.

Sarah E. Grove
IMPACT Chicago Core Graduate 2007

Special note:  My story may have happened in Paris, but is in no way indicative of France or Parisians.  This story is about an offender, not a location). 

The Little Mermaid Explains 7 Types of Catcalls

With the Little Mermaid as a guide, Meghan Sara explains “The Seven Types of Catcalls.”  

  • Stating the obvious (you got tattoos, an ass, breasts, etc.)
  • The "compliment" (sender expects a smile and a thank you)
  • "Fat" calling (saying something mean)
  • Where are you going? (why would I tell a stranger this?)
  • The grab and go (touching someone without their permission)
  • The drive-by
  • Smile (no)
Although these might be all too familiar, having the Little Mermaid explain them underscores how inappropriate they are. For the details, click here.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Middle School is a Time of Expanding Horizons: Let’s Stop Harassment of Girls

Empowerment self-defense instructor Clara Porter identifies sexual harassment as a community responsibility. In “A Streetwise Approach Can Stopthe Street Harassment of Children,” Porter urges us to see harassment of girls as unacceptable and not as an expected part of growing up.  
While we need to work at the community level to stop harassment, Porter also urges us to provide youth with tools to address harassment.
            IMPACTfor Girls is October 8 and 9. Encourage girls 12-15 that you know to check it out. In this eight-hour program, girls will increase:
  • Self-assurance when walking alone
  •  Ability to figure out what to say or do when experiencing interpersonal discomfort
  • Communication skills
  • Physical and verbal confidence.

 For more information, contact Tara at or click here.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Benefits of Setting Boundaries

One of the most important elements in IMPACT is the opportunity to practice setting boundaries with others. In “10 great thingsthat happen when you set boundaries,” Lindsay Holmes identifies the benefits of setting boundaries. Some of the benefits include: greater self-awareness, taking better care of yourself, being a better partner and friend, reducing stress, being more compassionate, and having time to do the things you want to do. For more on Holmes’ view of boundaries, click here.
                Consider taking the IMPACT Core Program or IMPACT for Girls to have a chance to practice boundaries or contact us about offering a boundary setting workshop at your workplace, community center, or other location. Contact Tara at