Recognizing Domestic Violence

Marie Miguel was doing a free mental health project and came across the IMPACT Chicago website (see her bio below). What caught her eye was the IMPACT Chicago blog on “Responding to Self-Defense Critics.”  Marie offers her thoughts about recognizing domestic violence.

Did you know that almost 20 people every minute in the United States who are physically abused by a domestic partner? That is more than 10 million people per year. Although women are far more commonly victimized, 1 out of every 4 men has suffered from some type of domestic abuse. Also, one in 15 children is subjected to domestic violence every year. These are horrifying numbers. What can we do about it?

Learn the Signs of an Abuser

     There are different types of abuse. Although many believe that physical abuse is the worst, emotional and psychological abuse last much longer. The types of abuse include:
·       Psychological abuse includes intimidation, threats, destroying property, and isolation from others.
·       Economic abuse consists of any way to make a person dependent on the abuser, including withholding money, not allowing you to leave the house, and controlling all finances.
·       Emotional abuse is the act of making a person feel like they are not worth anything. The abuser will chip away at your self-esteem by criticizing you, calling you names, telling others you are a loser, and making you believe nobody else wants you.
·       Sexual abuse includes any kind of sexual act without your consent. This can include rape, harming parts of your body, forcing sexual intercourse after violence, and sexually humiliating you. 
·       Physical abuse can include any type of harm to someone including biting, kicking, shoving, slapping, hitting, punching, cutting, pulling hair, and even denying you medical care when needed.

Listen to Your Intuition

Believe it or not, there are some warning signs that a loved one may be an abuser. Of course, not everyone shows the signs, but it may help to know what to look for. If you feel scared or nervous but cannot figure out why listen to your instincts and notice if a loved one is:

• Getting overly angry quickly
• Yelling at you
• Calling you names
• Making a fist
• Constantly criticizing you
• Extreme jealousy
• Isolating you from family and friends
• Makes you feel guilty about doing things you like
• Takes away your money and controls the finances
• Tells you what you can and cannot do
• Threatens you
• Stops you from working or going to school
• Tries to get you to do drugs or drink alcohol
• Tries to pressure you into having sex when you do not want to

Support and Resources

The Domestic Violence Resource Center offers resources for support.

• Community Advocacy
• Professional Counseling
• Confidential Shelter Servies
• Transitional Housing
• Safety Planning
• Community Education

And a 24-Hour Hotline: 503-469-8620 or 1-866-469-8600 

Marie Miguel

Marie Miguel is an avid internet researcher and she likes to write about a lot of topics namely, social media marketing, healthcare, and business. She has a college degree in Communication with Specialization in Integrated Marketing Communication. She has more than 10 years work experience in various fields namely, social media marketing, as well as, research for fast-moving consumer goods. Currently, she is working as a Marketing Associate in the fast-growing industry of solar energy. In her free time, she writes content for different websites and blogs, so that she can share her knowledge of her field and of other topics that she is interested in. Marie also likes to travel and her adventures allow her to have a broader worldview. Finally, she has four kids, who inspire her with her work and her writing.

Donors Make an IMPACT

Tuition covers about 65% of the costs of the Core Program and IMPACT for Girls. Donors cover the rest. Thank you to all those who supported the IMPACT Chicago 2017 Fund Drive! Your generosity enables to bring self-defense training to more women and girls.

Names                                                                         Designation

Anne Gendler	& David Leib
Jeanne	Adams
Barry	Alberts
David	Altman
Amazon Smile	Amazon Smile
Lisa	Amoroso	Dianne Costanzo Fund
Lisa	Amoroso	In recognition of Tara, Kathleen & Laura
Laney	Amoroso	In recognition of Lisa Amoroso
Amy	Amoroso
Jeanette	Andrews
	Anonymous
Lucinda	Ballet-Stanley
Elizabeth	Beyreis
Dolores & Glenn	Bjorkman
Susan Blessing	Kevin Sossong
Jill	Britton
Patricia	Broughton	In honor of Martha Thompson
Sheila & Steve	Carson
Darcy	Chamberlin
Courtney	Childs
Aaron	Christensen
Wesley	Clifton
Nancy & Ira	Cohen
Christina	Collins
Dorianne	Conn
Dee	Costanzo	memory of Adrian Costanzo
Elyse	Dawson
Tammy & James	DeBoer
Carla	Eisenberg	Happy anniversary!
Rebecca & Thaddeus	Engle
Cheri	Erdman
Madeleine	Fallon
Carol	Ference
Tam	Fletcher
Follett
Kira	Freigang
Micah	Gates
Eileen	Gelblat
Good Done Great
Robyn & Tijuana	Gray
Debb	Harp
Margit	Henderson
Victoria	Herbert
Nancy	Hornak	In recognition of Cameron & Zoe Schwartz
Irving Harris Foundation
Ioretta	Jackson
Valerie	Jenkins
Carol	Jennings
Pam	Jurkowski
June	Kirk	In honor of Martha Thompson
Kasey	Klipsch
Micah	Labishak
Susan	Landwer
Yukiko	Leggit
Ruth	Lipschutz
Mary	Loftus
Mary	Loftus	Dee Costanzo Fund
Naomi	Love
Shirley	Ma
Leigh	Martin
Carmen	Maso
Susan	McConnell
Ellyn	McNamara	recognition of Dee Costanzo
Deb Mier	& Sheila Hickey
Jeannette & Terry	Mostrom
Kelly	Nespor
Shiyu & Anthony	Nitsos
Clara	Orban
Lauren	Perez
Liz	Pfau
Rachel	Pildis	In recognition of Martha Thompson
Lisa	Pines
Sara	Polonsky
Jennifer	Poulin	tzedakah
Don & Judy	Rosedale
Emily	Ruehs	In recognition of Katie Skibbe
Rene	Ruelas
Roger	Safian
Alexandra	Sandin
Asha Sarode	& Geetha Pundaleeka
Lisa	Scheff
Tess	Schmieg
Gail	Schubert
Janette	Scott
Katie	Skibbe
Susan	Stall	#meat14 and #metoo
Linda	Stawicki
Kevin	Theis	In honor of Jill Britton and Henry Borczyk
Martha	Thompson	In honor of Kathleen, Katie, Laura, Lisa, & Tara
Marge	Tomasik
Carrie	Villa
Iris	Waichler
Sharon	Wallin
Katherine	Walton	In honor of Amy Wallin
Frederick	Warner
Laura	Weiss
Donna	Wilkens
Kathrynne Ann	Woolf
Kimberly	Wright

If we have inadvertently left you off this list, please let us know. Thank you!

Self-Defense is Not About Eliminating Risk

Amy Jones, Thousand Waves

When we talk about the Thousand Waves' approach to empowerment self-defense, one of the ways we explain it is to say that we don’t give people a bunch of rules to follow. Today I’m going to unpack that idea a little bit.

First of all, if I were to give you a rule, the chances of it being applicable to your life are pretty small. For example, one of the “rules” that well-meaning people will often tell you is to be careful getting into your car – make sure there’s nobody lurking in the back seat, or under the car.

I don’t know you, but I don’t currently own a car. So that’s a rule that’s useless to me.

If I did own a car, I could look underneath it and in the back seats every single time I got into it, and the chances are fairly high that there would literally never be anyone there. The risk is very low. And that gets me to the second reason we don’t bother with rules.* The rule-givers are trying to sell you on the idea that if you just follow all of their rules, you’ll eliminate all risk of being a victim of violence.

That’s a very compelling idea, one that plenty of folks are eager to embrace. It’s a pretty easy sell, in other words. But here’s the thing: it’s not actually possible to eliminate all risk from your life. If you follow all of the rules that the well-meaning rulemakers give you, you’ll find your movements more and more constrained – never going outside after dark, never going to new places, never meeting new people. And you may STILL find yourself a victim of violence. Most of these rules end up being about strangers – and of course, most violence is perpetrated by people known to the victim.

Life is risk, and risks are part of what make life exciting. In a very literal sense, risks are growth opportunities. So instead of giving people rules and an illusion of safety, we help people learn to realistically assess and decide for themselves what risks are worth taking. We give them accurate information about the realities of violence (for example, that violence from strangers is relatively rare). We give them tools to move through their worlds with confidence, which both makes it less likely that they’ll be targeted, and enables them to be more aware of their own internal signals that something might be wrong. And we talk about ways they can mitigate the risks they choose to take.
One of the criticisms of self-defense training is that it can be victim-blaming. As empowerment self-defense instructors, we work pretty hard to make it clear that we’re not about blaming anyone but the perpetrator of violence for their behavior. When you think about self-defense as mindfully choosing the risks you take, it becomes more clear that we’re talking about ways you can enhance your safety without putting the responsibility on the defender for someone else’s actions.

One of the workshops we’ve started teaching this year is Self-Defense and Bystander Intervention. We’ve always taught intervention as part of our self-defense curriculum, but this workshop expands on the content and focuses on it more explicitly than our ‘standard’ empowerment self-defense workshops. One of the repercussions of the decision to intervene in a potentially violent situation is that it elevates one’s own risk. It’s not our place to tell anyone whether they should intervene in a situation they’re witnessing, but it’s our hope that at least some folks will weigh that risk and decide that it’s worth it, at least some of the time.

*We do have one rule, and even it is more a strong encouragement rather than a rule. Here it is: don’t go to a second, more private location with someone who you know means you harm. Statistically, your situation will not be improved – the new location will be more isolated, less familiar to you, and more familiar to your assailant. If you’re going to choose a moment to fight, the moment right after someone says, “come with me” is a really good choice.

Amy Jones, Violence Prevention and Self-Defense Program Manager at Thousand Waves Martial Arts and Self-Defense Center. Self-Defense is Not About Eliminating Risk was originally published 9/15/2017 in tyrft: Thousand Waves' Blog/Newsletter. Reprinted with permission.

Be an Engaged Bystander

The Asian/Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Resource Project offers bystander strategies in the video Becoming an Effective Bystander:

• Be Direct

• Delegate

• Distract

View the video here.

What Can Adults Learn from Kids about Conflict?

From How Many Ways Can You Say Mom

In “ What I’ve Learned About Conflict from a Four-Year Old,  Rebecca Armacost, Executive Director, Mediation Training Institute, reflects on the lessons she has learned from her 4-year old son:

• While sometimes we want to cry and act out, conflict is resolved sooner when we talk through our perspectives

• Lack of sleep can seriously impact our ability to handle conflict appropriately

• Know when to engage and when to let it go

• Don’t underestimate the power of expressing emotions

• We all want some amount of control

For the full story, read here

Grounded in My Boundaries: Reporting Inappropriate Behavior

I finished IMPACT Core training just a couple weeks ago [fall 2017], and I've already had a chance to put my training into action.  No, I haven't had a physical altercation with a potential assailant.  My incident was much more commonplace, and was one of those situations we often refer to as a "gray area."

I've worked at the same company for 3 years.  My boss's boss, who joined the company 6 months ago, is a little too hands-on (literally) with myself, my teammates, and other young women in the office.  Hands on shoulders, arms, backs, and general invasion of personal space.  He also makes comments and uses language that he would not use with male employees.  It's not overtly predatory, but it's inappropriate, makes women uncomfortable, and is non-consensual.  

This has bothered me since he joined the company. Pre-IMPACT me might have reported it to HR eventually, but I would have really deliberated and stressed and worried that I was endangering my job or wrongly incriminating him.  Post-IMPACT me had a much easier time with it.  I reported it to HR today, and while I did have trouble sleeping last night as I was gearing up to make the report, I was pretty calm and felt completely justified.  I really think IMPACT's emphasis on respecting your own boundaries helped me stay calm through this.  The whole time, my motivation was "let's nip this in the bud, let's correct this behavior," rather than "this person is threatening, this person makes me feel icky and uncomfortable, but I'm afraid of what would happen if I reported it."  It's a subtle but profound shift.  

Before IMPACT, I would be much more likely to excuse this behavior, second guess myself, talk myself into accepting it, etc.  If I did report it, I would have had to talk with a lot of people to build my confidence or help me feel justified.  As women, we are so used to accepting this kind of thing--if we rocked the boat every time a man made us uncomfortable, we'd never get anything done.  But IMPACT has helped me feel grounded in my own boundaries in a way I have never intentionally practiced. Thanks to this, I did not waste time internalizing this behavior or making it my problem  ("Maybe *I'm* too uptight, *I* just don't understand his humor, *I'm*overreacting") .  Instead, I felt free to move swiftly and directly, taking the action I needed to take without having to discuss it with anyone but HR.

It's not a gray area if it makes you uncomfortable.  End of story.  I am, of course, concerned that this may be handled poorly by my company and negatively affect my job.  But the alternative (letting it continue) was unacceptable.  

IMPACT has a way of clearing the clutter, allowing you to recognize a threat for a threat, without being encumbered by self-doubt.  It clears the way for you to act swiftly and directly, with no wasted time or energy.  This is as true of my incident this week as it is with the physical fight scenarios in class.

I never would have expected a physical self-defense class would help me in a situation like this.  But I am just starting to realize how multifaceted the effects of IMPACT really are.

S.G., IMPACT Chicago 2017 Graduate