Adriana Li: Expanding Empowerment and Safety

Adriana Li, IMPACT Boston

Below Adriana Li, IMPACT Boston Coach, and an IMPACT Boston Suit demonstrate a scenario of two co-workers who get along as friends at work and who have lots of healthy dialogue about social-political issues. The coach character is non-binary. The suit character is cis-gendered. 

SUIT: Hey how’s it going? Hey did you see that article that went viral, about the new trans-rights law? What did you think about that? 

COACH: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something on that note. I meant to bring it up earlier. 

SUIT: Oh yeah, what’s up? 

COACH: I’ve given it some thought lately, and I love talking to you about politics, but I’m realizing when it comes to these kinds of things, especially around trans rights, I would prefer not to talk about it anymore. 

SUIT: Oh no, wait why is there something wrong? I thought you loved talking about it? Plus, I figured I’d ask you, you just know so much about it. 

COACH: I did, I’m just realizing I don’t feel like answering questions anymore. It can be a lot. I’m noticing it’s starting to make me uncomfortable. I think you mean well, and it’s great you want to learn so much, but I’m sure there’s other ways you can find out about these things. I’d prefer not to talk about it anymore. 

SUIT: Oh I’m sorry, I see that, but how come you didn’t tell me before? 

COACH: You’re right, I didn’t tell you before; I own that. I think because of the work dynamic I just didn’t want to make it awkward. But in the future, can we just keep it to other topics? 

SUIT: OK I get it, yes definitely I can do that. 

COACH: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Adriana Coaching 

Adriana says:

I wrote the above scenario because it shows how important it is to set boundaries with people we know and that we can change boundaries as things come up for us. LGBTQ-advocacy and setting boundaries when having conversations, even with well-intentions, can be emotionally taxing and may mean creating new parameters, despite the healthy relationship. It’s about reinforcing limits when things come up for us, and clearly communicating that to others around us.  

 I also know how important it is to have physical tools. I got out of a situation once by using a version of an eye strike--I didn't know how to do it technically but it worked and gives me confidence in the techniques we teach.

Teaching courses for the LGBTQ community is important to me, especially for LGBTQ youth and women of color. Because of my own background as a survivor and with those I know who have experienced violence, I want to focus on marginalized kids and teens and provide support and alternatives for trauma survivors. I am committed to teaching critical thinking skills and providing a vision of alternatives. I want to help people expand their visions and choices. I love that the structure of IMPACT means eventually our students do not need us to fall back on, they only need to trust themselves. 

Adriana presenting

I am part of the LGBTQ community and have been since I can remember. My mother is from southern China and my father is Puerto Rican. I was bullied and alienated as a kid for being uncommonly biracial. I graduated from Pine Manor College in theater. Out of college I was the Science Programs Coordinator for the Children's Museum of Boston. In addition to my theater background, I had a natural knack for working with youth. I’ve been with IMPACT for three years now. I originally worked with Triangle, the disability agency that houses IMPACT Boston. I was working as a coordinator for young adults with disabilities who were developing job skills and I was attending a Kung Fu school in Chinatown when one of the instructors recommended the IMPACT Basics Course to me. He happened to have been a suited instructor with IMPACT Boston several years before and he knew I was a survivor.

When I took the Women's Basics Class, I noticed I was the only student of color in the class. I was hyperaware that I was in a mostly-white space, something I was not used to in my college and childhood experiences. I've also noticed that hyperawareness by other people of color in programs that are predominately white. I am committed to creating safe spaces and providing space for conversations that are relevant to the experiences of people of color and all gender identities; for example, directly addressing systemic inequality and authority violence. One of my approaches for creating safer space in on-line programs is asking people to personally email me and share with me why they want to take the program. Online, the unfortunate reality is anyone could pretend to be in a specific community. By asking people to email me, I'm not only screening, but I'm making a personal connection.

I've had so much support from the IMPACT Boston staff and connecting with other IMPACT chapters and ESD organizations. I consulted with Linda Leu from IMPACT Bay Area about the Women of Color course. I helped train IMPACT Safety in Ohio in IMPACT: Ability and also helped in suit training for Turtle Mountain staff. My dream, in doing this work, is to see more people of color given platforms to be represented,and empowered, in spaces everywhere.

Based on an interview of Adriana Li July 2020 by Martha Thompson, IMPACT Chicago Lead Instructor and Admin Co-Team Leader.

Respecting Boundaries: I Can Do Anti-Racist Work Anywhere

A white friend told me about an experience he had last week when he asked a white neighbor to maintain social distancing because his family is at high risk. The neighbor sarcastically said he had forgotten his tape measure and not to worry because he would stay away from my friend and his family.

One of the things I know from years of teaching Empowerment Self-Defense is that there is a wide range of responses when people set boundaries. Much of the time, people respect the boundaries others set but sometimes people push back or respond in a hostile way like the neighbor above did. 

The person responding, not a boundary-setter, is responsible for whether or not they honor a boundary; however, when people responding to boundary-setting act as if their social prestige, privilege, or power gives them the right to ignore, threaten or abuse boundary-setters, the community also has a responsibility. The rest of us have to make it clear that having prestige, privilege, or power does not let anyone off the hook for their behavior. Unfortunately, there is no lack of examples, but two specific situations have been highlighted in the news this week where individuals have responded to boundary-setting with verbal or physical violence, consciously or unconsciously assuming their power and privilege allowed them to disregard the safety of another human being.

“I’m going to tell them there’s an African American man threatening my life.” White woman Amy Cooper said, threatening to call the police when Christian Cooper asked her to leash her dog in accordance with the rules of the Ramble in Central Park.

“I can’t breathe” said George Floyd, an African American man, who was killed by Derek Chauvin, a white Minneapolis police officer, by kneeling on his neck for over 8 minutes. Floyd clearly stated and repeated his need for air which was ignored not only by Derek Chauvin who killed him but by three other police officers.

George Floyd was described by his brother Philonise Floyd as “a gentle giant.” Philonise Floyd also said “to know my brother is to love my brother.”  Christian Cooper is aware not only of the rules of the Ramble but also aware and appreciative of the beauty and song of the birds he comes to watch so asking someone to leash their dog is not only following the rules of the Ramble but caring for the larger environment.

As a white person, I have the privilege to distance myself from Amy Cooper and Derek Chauvin; I have the privilege to focus on their individual decisions to disrespect the boundaries set by Christian Cooper and George Floyd and not on the ways that my own unearned privileges contributed to their perceived social license to respond with hostility. But, as Chicago Tribune columnist Dahleen Glanton said in White America, if you want to know who’s responsible for racism, look in the mirror: “regardless of how much you say you detest racism, you are the sole reason it has flourished for centuries. And you are the only ones who can stop it.” So distancing from Amy Cooper and Derek Chauvin or holding them solely responsible does not stop racism.

Removing the racism woven into the fabric of our society for centuries is huge and can seem daunting; but because racism is everywhere, I can do anti-racist work anywhere. I draw inspiration from IMPACT and Empowerment Self-Defense to:

• evaluate safety on the basis of others' behavior, not their presumed social position or appearance. To focus on behavior and to recognize and move beyond deeply embedded racism doesn't just happen; it means to engage in conscious self-examination, which may be very uncomfortable and unsettling.
• regard respecting boundaries set by people of color as highly as setting my own boundaries. Pat Parker in her poem "For the White Person Who Wants to Know How to Be My Friend," offers the dual consciousness to cultivate: "The first thing you do is to forget that i'm Black. Second, you must never forget that i'm Black." 
• be an active and engaged bystander and take action when other white people use white privilege to dismiss, undermine, threaten or abuse boundaries set by people of color. 

Martha Thompson

IMPACT Chicago

Instructor

Admin Team Co-Leader

 

Boundaries During a Pandemic

If you're struggling with boundaries during social distancing, you're not alone. Resolve (IMPACT New Mexico) staff member Marie Schow says boundaries continue to be important and that it continues to be important to respect the limits that we set while recognizing the needs of others around us.

Resolve staff spends a lot of time talking about boundaries – how to set them, how to respect them, and why they’re important. They know boundaries are the key to feeling safe and happy in all realms of life. Boundaries are an expression of love and care. And right now, during an unprecedented health crisis, boundaries are more important than ever.

Read more about Marie's perspective on Boundaries during a Pandemic.

Baby, a No’s a No Tonight

Baby, a No’s a No Tonight
(New lyrics to that classic, holiday boundary-crossing song "Baby, It's Cold Outside!")
Cathy Chapaty

I really can’t stay
(Baby, it’s cold outside.)
D’you hear me say…?
(Baby, it’s cold outside.)
This evening’s been swell; just wanna thank you.
(I’ll hold your hands; they’re icy—these two.)
Listen, I’m starting to worry.
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
I think that I’ll just head for the door.
(Listen to the fireplace roar.)
I really must go. A no’s a no tonight.

[Cue ’40s musical interlude while Person 2 rethinks behavior—but, alas, still doesn’t get it.]

Don’t want another drink.
(Baby, it’s cold outside.)
This isn’t what you think.
(But baby, it’s cold outside.)
The answer’s still no; won’t say it again.
(I thought you wanted me to make you give in.)
I really like you—that’s certain.
(Shouldn’t I draw the curtains?)
But I’m not in the mood tonight.
(Come on, baby. Why put up a fight?)
You need to hear me: A no’s a no tonight.

[More musical interlude while Person 2 rethinks behavior. Couple gets up and walks to the door, switches signing roles.]

I’m sorry. I was wrong.
(So glad you listened to me.)
I just like this song.
(Some other time, if you please.)
I really can’t tell. I’m bad with social cues.
(I’ve learned to set clear boundaries, thank you.)
When you say no, no, no sir…
(That doesn’t mean to come closer.)
But what if I never tried?
(It’s not about hurting your pride.)
I get it now…
(Together) A no’s a no tonight!

Revised lyrics by Cathy Chapaty
Martial Artist and Author
Chair, National Women's Martial Arts Federation (NWMAF)

For an analysis of the original version, see Sheila Watson's December 10 post: "What's wrong with Baby, It's Cold Outside?"

What's wrong with "Baby, It’s Cold Outside?"

More on the "Baby, It's Cold Outside" discussion. It's an important conversation. Comment on one of the half dozen threads I have read: "If she doesn't like how pushy he's being, why doesn't she just leave?" Yeah. Let that sink in. Literally what the song is about. Her trying to leave. The first line of the song is, "I really can't stay." (For those who are unclear about consent, that is a strong boundary set there).

First, thank you for acknowledging he is being "pushy". Yes. He is. And nearly everyone on the threads minimized his pushiness as being some level of flirtation or innocent or at least excusable behaviour. But let's be clear what is going on: he is actively rejecting her boundaries and refusing to consider them, let alone comply with them. He is refusing to comply with her expressed wishes for agency over her own actions. That is the very definition of non-consensual behaviour.

Most people have answered that the reason she didn't leave is because she didn't actually want to leave. She wanted to stay. But let's take a look at that. She very clearly articulates her wish to leave. Repeatedly. She very clearly says, "no". But her articulated wish is NOT to be accepted. Indeed it is incumbent upon her partner to determine her _true_ wish and to act upon that _true_ wish rather than her very clear expressed wish.

Almost no one in the threads had advice on how he could improve his behaviour. Almost everyone had advice on how she should adapt to the violation of her boundaries.

Think on that in terms of consent. The message is that consent is not found in her expression, but only in what the perpetrator (and the audience) _thinks_ she _truly_ wants. The rule for sexual encounters becomes, "What does she _really_ want?" (Which he gets to decide). VS "What is is she telling me she wants?" (Which she gets to decide). It establishes consent as an internal dialogue of the perpetrator rather than a paying attention to and complying with the wishes of his partner!

And THAT is rape culture operating in the present day. Still. Dismiss the communication and replace it with whatever you want to believe. That is NOT consent.

And yes, I hear that "things were different back then" and that we are looking at past events through the lens of modern thinking. The problem is that modern thinking hasn't changed that much. If it HAD, we would all be agreeing that when making the choice between complying with explicitly expressed non-consent and doing what we think they _really_ want, the former wins. Period.

This is not a conversation about the past. This a conversation about how we can understand the present. It's a conversation about what to teach our boys about consent. And what to teach our girls about whether their agency will be respected.

Someone needs to take this song to their child and say, "Don't do this. Doesn't matter what you think they want. Matters what they communicate to you." And from the conversation I witnessed on social media, not enough people are doing this. We, as a society, are not doing this. Instead we are dismissing and minimizing this. It's wrong. And we need to change.

Sheila Watson

If you like the tune to "Baby, It's Cold Outside" but not the lyrics, check out Cathy Chapaty's alternative lyrics: "Baby, A No's a No Tonight" on the December 17 IMPACT Chicago blog.