Monday, February 10, 2020

Rape, Recovery, Resilience

I was violently sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend of mine my freshman year of college. We had been best friends for three years before we dated, and after we broke up, we had pledged to go back to being close friends. When I decided to visit a group of high school friends on spring break, and he happened to be there, this boy who I thought I could trust went on to strangle and force me to perform sexual acts on him. Something in me shattered that night, and from that point on I was ruled by fear. 

It took me months to share what had happened to me with my family, and even with their love and support I could no longer conjure any self-love. I left college and returned home to face the trauma I had incurred. I lived with my grandma and spent my time cooking, reading, and swimming with her, as well as introspecting into my turbulent headspace. With intense, consistent effort, I was able to let go of the anger and hurt I felt because of my ex-boyfriend, and forgive him for what he did to me. (I want to emphasize here that it was essential for me to be as magnanimous as I could!) My forgiveness allowed me to shed my aggressive and hateful emotions, and construct in its vestiges a burgeoning personal security and love. 

Even though I began building up a strong self-confidence, I was still scared of men. A conversation with my dad where I disclosed that I was considering buying a knife and pepper spray led to a discussion at dinner that inspired my step-mom, Meg (I call Meggie), to research the offerings for a women’s self defense course in the Chicago area. The next time I saw her, she told me about the IMPACT Core Program, a three day women’s self defense intensive. She said that she was brought to tears when she watched videos of the Program, and wondered if I wanted to take it with her. I replied an enthusiastic “yes!” without hesitation.

On Friday, April 11th, me and Meggie parked our blue Volvo station wagon on the west side of Ebeneazer Lutheran Church. It took us a couple tries to find the right entrance, but we eventually hit the black button next to a heavy, wooden door and were buzzed inside. Through another wooden door and up a wooden staircase we went, and we found ourselves welcomed by smiling women instructing us to check in and make a name tag. The room we were situated in was a long rectangular space, with a painting of Jesus on one end of the wall. 

Now I am not one to feel awkward, however in this moment I started to feel nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable.Would I be ostracized for being raped? Was it too soon to take a course like this, after my experience?Am I capable of defending myself?As the door buzzed and as fourteen other female faces, old and young, filled the room, my anticipation grew. Then the lead teacher beckoned us all over to the side of the room with Jesus, where the floor was covered in blue gymnastics mats. We sat in a circle, and within the next twenty minutes my awkward feeling completely disappeared. Right off of the bat, Margaret and the other teachers fostered a safe, inclusive environment where all of us were able to freely share our thoughts and emotions. 

And so I began to learn something I had not been taught before. I learned that the strength of a woman’s body lies in her hips, and I practiced playing to these strengths to protect myself from an assailant. I learned how to operate under adrenaline, and fight for my life. And this is where my emotional transformation occurred: by learning how to fight for my life, and then by fighting using my full force, I had to decide that my life was worth fighting for. When I looked my assailant in the face, called him by my ex-boyfriend’s name, and delivered kick after unforgiving kick, I overcame my fear. Not only did my physical self defense skills evolve, so did my verbal boundary setting skills. As my kicks got stronger, my voice got louder. Now when I tell someone not to touch me, there is power behind my words. One of the most empowering aspects of this program was my peers. During each of my fights, I could hear them cheering me on, encouraging me to be brave. No matter our body type, ethnicity, or age, we all wholeheartedly supported one another. After each fight, we sat in a circle to debrief and express our reactions. In these circles I felt listened to, understood, and like I was not alone in my experience. 

Because of IMPACT I no longer let fear control me, and this has changed my life. I feel more free and empowered by my identity as an independent woman. I do not feel held back by my past, and instead I am a strong advocate for women’s rights and equality in my everyday life. Nine months later, I am successfully setting and enforcing boundaries with men. When I am walking alone in unfamiliar places, I replay my learned self-defense techniques, just in case. Most importantly, I live each day as Emilia, unapologetically.
Emilia Donenberg Smith
IMPACT Chicago graduate
emiliadonenbergsmith.tumblr.com


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